January 25, 2011

How to Survive Being High While at Work

We posted this same article about two years ago. Here's an updated look for the new year. For many of you smoking marijuana before going to work isn't currently an option. You're afraid that your boss will notice, you'll be less productive, or your weed induced forgetfulness and over all not paying attention-ness will cause some sort of unimaginable catastrophe.

For others of you, you can't smoke at all because of periodic drug testing. For those people I have only one suggestion. Quit. I'm not joking. Quit, unless you have a family to support, your mental wellbeing is more important than whatever measly duckets (wages/salary) your pulling down at your boring (I'm guessing) job. Ok, quitting is a bit drastic, but it's something to think about. I'd get more into this philosophy but this post is to help people who have a chance of enjoying a marijuana / work combination. So here goes.

1. Smoke Early: Smoke well before you leave for work. You don't want to be getting higher and higher while at work. This way If you think you smoked too much marijuana you can still call in sick, and try again the next day. I'd suggest smoking before you even get in the shower, then dropping some Clear Eyes afterwards. Showers are good for taking off some of the lethargic effect of marijuana. If you do it this way you'll ensure you don't smell like weed, and you'll be able to really enjoy the full flavors of a bowl of Lucky Charms after your all clean and tidy.

2. Get to Work on Time: I'm sure this seems simple but it's also important. If you get to work late your going to draw more attention to yourself, which may make you nervous and cause you to do something strange. Anyway, you might be wondering why you even need to be told this. The answer is because time looses meaning under the influence of marijuana, and unless you pay extra attention to it you could fuck up. Give yourself 1.5 times the amount of time you need to get to work. If it takes you an hour to get to work, give yourself an hour and thirty minuets or more. If it takes thirty minuets take 45 minuets. You'll need the extra time to compensate for your abnormally slow driving and because you'll probably get off on the wrong exit, either accidentally or to avoid what appeared to be a "cop" tailing you.

3. Making Conversation:
This, to some people, is the hardest part of being high. Though it shouldn't be. There's just one thing you have to remember when dealing with other people, nobody can tell you are high, unless you let them know. The key to being a successful stoned conversant is confidence and focus. Don't try to hide, or look away from people around you. Engage them enthusiastically, but make sure to focus on remembering conversation protocol. Don't talk for too long, mumble, ask "what were we talking about, or dart your eyes. If you really don't think you can handle talking yet, then get to work even earlier, and if anyone tries to engage you keep your answers to a two word minimum. If you really want them to go away after every thing you say mention how tired you are, or how little sleep you got, and never take your eyes of whatever task your doing.

4. Munchies:
Once you're at work and settled in your still going to have to deal with regular high stuff. All I have to say about snack selection is, you should choose something soft and plentiful. Like gummy bears, or grapes for the health nuts. If you have anything crunchy, you'll end up sounding like the cookie monster. So remember get a soft snack and beverage and plenty of them.

5. Lunch: I don't need to tell you how or where to eat lunch. Though I'd suggest this is a good time to smoke another bowl. Bring gum, Visine, and some sort of cologne, perfume, or body spray. The longer you're high the easier it gets to conceal it, so don't worry about being too high to hide it. Plus if you do over indulge you can always head home with a stomach ache.

6. Work: This guide isn't just for office workers. No, this is for every worker. From baristas to garbage collectors. Now I can't believe I'm just mentioning this, but not all jobs can be done while high. I'm not going to say which ones because I trust you to make that decision correctly. Or not, and learn from your mistakes. Working should be the easiest part of your whole day. When you are working though, focus. Make sure your doing your job better than usual. Stoners don't have to be slackers. So do a good job, and then reward yourself with an extra bowl on your break.

Well that's it for now. You can send me suggestions to add to the list a bakedlife@gmail.com, and check back for updates. For now though, get high and have fun.

Contact: Bakedlife@gmail.com

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