January 26, 2009

Helpful tips for the Employed Urban Potsmoker

I figure this little diddy from best of craigslist goes well with my "How to Survive Being High at Work".

Ah, the joys of catching a buzz during the middle of your workday. For the employed urban skyscraper dweller it is nearly impossible to find oneself the sort of locked, isolated supply closet with exterior ventilation (to which only you have access) that would allow imbibing with impunity during the working day. No, many of us, if we want to catch a buzz between 9 and 5 we must do it commando style: in the streets.

If your going to be out there on the mean streets getting high amongst all the squares, then your going to need some tips, kid. The following applies to your typical downtown urban setting and is the result of several years of fine-tuning my technique.

1) Mints, mints, mints - but then you already knew this. Smoking pot at work is definitely journeyman level stuff, and not for the beginner. Alcohol prep pads will knock down the hand smell enough to get to the bathroom to wash your hands. You'll also need a long jacket of a non-porous so the scent can't get into your clothes.

2) Joints on the street are probably going to be your best option. Everything else is too much paraphernalia. If you can't pre-roll, a film canister and a pair of scissors will mill anything to a smokable consistency rapidly, I recommend a bathroom stall. If one is forced to use a communal bathroom, particularly odorous specimens can me masked by the "fart spray" available at most novelty stores.

3) You should avoid rolling joints that looks like joints. Lose the pinners. Instead fill up most of the joint with a roll of cardboard (kind of like a "filter") so that the desired product is concentrated at one end of the spliff. Besides fattening up your spliff so that it looks like a cig, it allows the remnants to be quickly thrown aside into the sewer grate, ivy, or whatnot. However, she will smoke quick and hard. Depending on how much you've loaded onto the end of your cardboard tube, it can be all gone in a few puffs. And then we flicks the rest away like a used up butt.

4) Move yourself about on the street. Don't huddle in one place and look like some little pot troll. Stride quickly like you're late for a important meeting, and you're sucking down a quick butt because you're fucking pissed that everyone else in the world is so slow and incompetent. Not so much that you attract attention you wouldn't otherwise have, but enough to where if someone really gets a good look at you their impression will be "Damn, she's on her way to somewhere important!". As such take short, hard drags - more like a cig. Let a little air in around the base as you inhale. It will make for a more even burn and the cool air will moderate the harsh clouds coming from the fat, quickly burning sticky-ickies.

5) Choose your routes wisely. Always walk somewhere where the modified spliff can be tossed aside in a way that prevents recovery from law enforcement or overzealous citizens. Overpasses are a great thing. As are bodies of water. Think like your enemy: the bicycle cop. Be able to flick that piece of evidence somewhere where even some angry, overzealous officer wouldn't bother to tread. Not everyone is going to have great options available to you. The worse your disposal options, the shorter the marijuana section on your modified cardboard spliff will have to be. If you only option is a lione sewer grate, have a shorty and hit it up 30 feet away. By the time you've take the two or three hits it takes to get there, you'll be 90% done and can toss it right away.

6) Don't follow the same route habitually. If you are in the same places every day doing the same thing it's easy for someone that has caught a whiff to make trouble for you. That being said, you don't have to mix it up too much. If you vary your routes and times even slightly it makes it much more difficult to be ambushed. No one gets fired up about a lone roving pot smoker enough to lay in wait for hours to try to catch you. However, if the same grumpy old man keeps getting it rubbed in his face day after day you never know what he's apt to do.

7) Give yourself a little breather. Don't go right back to work. Spend three or four minutes sucking on your mint and looking at the pretty birdies. Then get the paper and retire to the shitter, or otherwise avoid human contact for as long as is feasible or until your sure the last of the vapors have lifted from your skin.

8) There. That's better. Back at work, hummin' and grooving along.

9) Do I smell taquitos?

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